The strange case of the missing culture

fish and chipsBritain alone among the many nations and peoples of the Earth no longer has a culture. It’s official because The liberal left, the progressives, the animal rights people, the green movement, the Race Relations Board and uncle Tom Cobley and all have said so. No one knows what happened to it. Did it just crawl into the undergrowth to die a lonely death? Was it stolen or kidnapped? Did an alien spaceship capture it and take it to a remote and distant part of the Universe? Or is it the case that the liberal left, the progressives, the animal rights people, the green movement, the Race Relations Board and uncle Tom Cobley and all claim, that Britain’s culture never even existed in the first place?

If it is the case that Britain and its indigenous people never ever had a culture then we must be truly unique on the planet, and our non-culture should be protected at all cost. After all we know that every other indigenous people have a culture that must be protected. From the small Huaorani tribe in Ecuador’s Amazon Region to the indigenous tribes of New Guinea, all have cultures which must at all cost be protected. We know this because the liberal left, the progressives, the animal rights people, the green movement, the Race Relations Board and uncle Tom Cobley and all say so.

Another way in which we can prove conclusively that Britain’s culture no longer exists, if ever it did, is to watch that wonderful informative BBC program “Question Time”. Ever so often some poor deluded person will shock everyone by complaining that ” our culture is under threat”, but of course there will always be a representative of the liberal left, the progressives, the animal rights people, the green movement, the Race Relations Board and uncle Tom Cobley and all, on the panel who can efficiently enlighten the poor idiot by asking the killer question ” What culture are you speaking about? If you think that British culture exists then you will be able to explain to us all precisely what it is” Of course in the time afforded by the program and with the few sentences available in that time the silly person will rarely get beyond fish and chips, mushy peas and haggis before he or she will run out of time, and be laughed out of the building, and quite right too.

Mind you! The thought has crossed my mind in weaker moments, that if the most eminent scientist in the world was asked to explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, Quantum Mechanics or the origins of the Universe in a few minutes, he or she would equally be completely stumped. So does that mean that Relativity, Quantum Physics and the universe don’t exist? Ah well! Just a thought.

The really important thing here is to ask anyone reading this, if they have any evidence, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, or if they have seen a black plastic rubbish bag with a label saying “British culture” on it behind a brick wall in Basingstoke, or have heard a rumour down the pub, to write an urgent letter to –

The British Cultural Secretary,
Dr Muhammad Abdul al-Hitoni ben Muktar,
The Emerates Building,
Jihadi John Street
East Londistan.

Please remember if you are one of the few indigenous people left, like me, who can only write in English, you will have to get your letter translated into either Arabic, Pashtun or Urdu. Otherwise you won’t get your letter read, or get a reply.

So! Nuteshekker khatir qiraya hadka. Salam ‘alekum, or something like that!